


An Apology for Tentacle Monsters

by Anorlost



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Evil Space Boyfriends, M/M, Tentacle Monsters, hux is not nice (unless you are an animal), jokes about naughty tentacles, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-15
Updated: 2016-07-15
Packaged: 2018-07-24 02:33:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7489842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anorlost/pseuds/Anorlost
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>General Hux has no idea why people keep thinking his new pet is a sex toy.  Eleanor is just a sweet little creature who just so happens to have self-lubricating, vibrating tentacles.  Is that so odd?</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Apology for Tentacle Monsters

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CountOfEight](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CountOfEight/gifts), [pidgy_writes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pidgy_writes/gifts).



> This is what happens when you get an Asexual to write about tentacle monsters...I'm sorry. I've failed the internet. ORZ
> 
> Thanks to CountofEight and Pidgy_writes for keeping me happy and confident enough to post this bit of silliness!

The rumours started when Hux appeared on the bridge one day with a perfectly circular bruise on his cheek. Bruising was not unusual. Accidents happened and sometimes sparing got more violent than necessary. The shape of the bruise was unusual though. It was a perfect ring, right on the General’s cheek in plain view. Nobody dared say a word to his face about it, especially when Hux himself seemed to be ignoring it. However, there was only one commonly known way a person might get a bruise like that, and it had appeared just after Hux had taken shore leave.

It was about the right size for a suction cup, which were not regularly used on the Finalizer. However, the planet they had stopped on was known for unusual, betentacled fauna. It was more or less clear, at least in the crew’s minds, what Hux had done during his leave of absence. Knowing about it was a bit awkward, but nobody lost any respect for Hux over it. So his proclivities were a little unusual, that was fine. As long as everything was safe, consensual and legal, there was nothing for anyone to be actively concerned about.

However, for the next week, Hux had more of the little circle bruises all over his neck and cheeks. It had not been cause for concern, the marks did not look terribly painful or incapacitating, but the freshness of them seemed to indicate that there was some sort of tentacle monster onboard the Finalizer. The marks would often fade over the course of the shift, and the General would turn up the next morning with new marks all over him. Hux was well within his rights to keep a pet, or a sex toy…or a pet sex toy as it seemed, but if it was anything like a Rathtar than it was going to be a problem for everyone.

Hux did not fail to notice his crew’s discomfort. At the next planning meeting he brought a small carrying crate with him, one that Mitaka recognized as the one he usually used with Millicent. Hux set the crate beside his seat before addressing the crew, “I noticed a few of you staring at the marks on my face. It’s quite alright. I ought to have expected it.”

He ducked out of sight and the sound of the crate’s door being opened squeaked eerily into the room. Mitaka cringed. Unamo got ready to make a run for the door. Phasma’s hand hovered over her blaster. Kylo flushed behind his mask.

Hux stood up, a little mass of blue and purple tendrils in his arms. It had large yellow eyes on a bulbous body that looked about the room. Hux stroked it with a gloved hand and the creature let out a high-pitched, but contented, ‘Prrp.’

“This is Eleanor. She’s an Iko,” explained Hux, stroking the tiny tentacle beast. He trailed his fingers along the tentacles, gently singling one out before lifting it to show off the suction cups on the underside, “When she clings to bare skin with these tendrils she tends to leave marks. I hadn’t realized she would, so I apologize for alarming you all.”

Hux took his seat, the little monster ‘Eleanor’ still in his lap as he pointed to a chart, “Now, as you can see, that last trek through an asteroid field caused a considerable number of our ventral cannons to overheat when we were blasting obstacles out of the way. So in order to get as many of them operational again as soon as possible…”

Mitaka could not pay attention. He was far too busy watching Eleanor scramble up Hux’s tunic to his shoulder, where she remained perched and occasionally letting out a soft ‘prrp.’ Her noise became more insistent as Hux continued though, and within a few minutes of his report, she began wrapping a tentacle around the General’s face. She latched a tendril close to the corner of his mouth before her suction cup released it with a light pop. When Hux still refused to pay attention to her, she attempted to slide one of her slimmer tentacles up his nose.

“Alright, alright, gracious someone’s needy,” Hux muttered as he lifted a hand to absentmindedly stroke the tentacles, earning more purrs, “As I was saying, we need to either train technicians to double our manpower, or we could lengthen the shifts of the current staff and add a few short breaks so as not to create any-”

“Sir your…Eleanor is secreting,” said Unamo, unable to mask her horror.

“Oh, she does that. It’s how they mark their territory. Try to pay her no mind,” instructed Hux as two of Eleanor’s tendrils began dripping and snaking over the General’s face, “So about our momentarily understaffed weapons maintenance teams…”

Kylo looked Hux over. The thing liked him. Clearly. Though perhaps a little too much. He had heard stories about these creatures and what they did to sentients foolish enough to wander into their dens. Well, not so much heard as he had seen in pornographic holos, admittedly. Eleanor was not doing anything to change his perception though, trying to slip her tentacles into Hux’s nose, ears and mouth and sliding the dripping ones over his face to claim him. It was cute while it was small, but it was going to grow up and…Kylo wondered if he would be able to satisfy the General once he got a taste for aliens.

Hux sighed, “I can see Eleanor is distracting for you, so perhaps we’ll conclude this another time. My apologies for bringing her.” He coaxed her into sitting on his hand before crouching down again, muttering soft orders for her to go back into the carrier. He closed the door to the little crate before uttering a polite, ‘good day,’ and walked out of the room as if nothing was out of the ordinary.

There was a silence, which Phasma broke with a haughty scoff, “Well, I’m not telling him.”

“Telling him what?” asked Mitaka.

“That his new pet is going to grow up and have…cravings,” said Phasma, “I’m not telling him.”

Unamo threw up her hands, “Me neither. That’s a bit much for me.”

“I…um…Lord Ren should do it, maybe?” said Mitaka hesitantly.

Kylo sighed, “I might as well. I have…other matters…to discuss with the General. If you’ll excuse me.”

   ***

“Hux, we need to…”

Kylo trailed off as he entered Hux’s quarters. He was used to seeing Hux in fatigues at this point, and looking less austere than he usually did, but this was an all-time low. Or was it a high? Either way, Hux was in his fatigues, rolling around with the floor with a cat nip feather toy in one hand, a tentacle monster latched to his face and Millicent running around trying to swat at the mass of tendrils and the cat toy. Hux’s voice was muffled, but Kylo could clearly hear laughter and cooing as he coaxed both of the animals to keep playing. Kylo’s brow arched further and further up his forehead as he watched General Hux roll back and forth along the floor with his cat and tentacle monster.

“Talk…” muttered Kylo.

Hux did not take notice of him, and Kylo did nothing to get his attention. The scene was so universe-breakingly odd that he didn’t think he could bring himself to interrupt it. Hearing Hux laughing and giggling about how ‘daddy loves both his girls, yes he does,’ put him at a complete loss for words. All he could do was watch with rapt attention as everything he knew about the universe was suddenly inverted and shattered.

At least until Hux finally caught sight of him through a mass of tendrils and yelped, spooking both Eleanor and Millicent, sending them both running for cover. Millicent dashed under a table as Eleanor wriggled herself between a set of couch cushions.

“What the bloody hell are you doing, barging in here!?” demanded Hux, sitting up and crossing his arms, trying to pretend he had not been doing anything undignified. Kylo didn’t have the heart to tell him that he was covered in suction cup marks and was still holding the cat toy.

“Um…we um…we need to talk,” said Kylo.

“If it’s about Eleanor, I don’t need to consult you if I want to get a pet. I suppose I should have told you earlier, but she’s mine and she stays,” said Hux firmly.

He was already attached to it. Kylo cursed to himself as he approached Hux, cautiously taking off his mask. He looked Hux over, particularly at the little red marks Eleanor had left on his skin, which remind him vaguely of the kitten scratches that Millicent used to leave on his hands and arms. He looked over at the couch where Eleanor was still trying to wedge herself between the cushions and making frustrated little grunts.

“I’m just not so sure she’s a good fit for a Star Destroyer…” said Kylo, trying to figure out a way to gently broach the subject.

“I did my research beforehand. So long as she has plenty of places to burrow and crevices to explore, she’ll be happy. And she’s a dwarf sub-species, so she shouldn’t get any bigger than a medium sized dog,” explained Hux.

It was the exploring crevices part that worried Kylo more than her size…

“Well, yes, but, she’s going to grow up and…you know…want to breed,” said the knight.

“I’m neutering her of course,” said Hux.

Kylo blinked before asking, “Come again.”

“I’m neutering her,” repeated Hux. He got up and moved to the couch, checking on Millicent under the table before sitting down and prodding at Eleanor’s tentacles, “I’ve already had her declawed, and her acid and aphrodisiac glands were already removed when I got her. She’s perfectly harmless.”

“You can neuter them…” said Kylo incredulously.

“Yes. It was always an option,” said Hux. He stroked a tendril as Eleanor explored the space between the couch cushions, “Of course, we have to wait a few months before she’s old enough for the procedure.”

“So you’re not worried about her getting bigger and having…urges?” asked Kylo.

Hux glared up at them as he stroked the little tentacle monster. Millicent had come out from under the table to watch Eleanor’s flailing tendrils with rapt attention. Hux continued to cuddle his monster before glowering, “You know that’s only something they do when they’re either in captivity or defending their territory. The latter is self-explanatory, but most people who keep them don’t give them enough space to explore. They get bored, aggravated and aggressive. Or worse, kept as living props for those disgusting holos. It’s animal cruelty is what it is, and highly illegal.”

“Oh…” said Kylo, reminding himself never to watch tentacle porn with Hux…and possibly to wean himself off the tentacle porn entirely, “So you got her from a pet store or something?”

Hux went quiet and looked away before muttering, “…extorted…zoo…bad conditions…”

“So just like Millicent,” groaned Kylo. If the Resistance ever wanted to capture General Hux, all they really needed to do was leak intelligence to the First Order that there was a zoo that was not up to standard regulations and Hux would probably come running.

“They were keeping her in a tiny cage and letting disgusting little children poke her with sticks!” protested Hux, gathering the animal up in his arms, “I had to do something!”

Millicent leapt up on the couch to watch Eleanor’s tentacles writhe and sway as she purred in Hux’s lap. Hux patted his cat on the head as he cuddled his tentacle beast. Kylo sighed and settled on the arm of the couch so as not to disturb Hux or his growing collection of rescued creatures, “But you know, most people only know about them from certain holos…the crew is starting to become, concerned.”

“That’s why I brought her to the meeting, so the bridge crew and Captain Phasma could see she was harmless and relay that information to their subordinates,” explained Hux.

“It’s not going to go away so easily. Those things have quite the reputation,” Kylo pointed out.

Hux picked up Eleanor and held her out to Kylo, “Cuddle her.”

“What?” asked Kylo, wrinkling his nose.

“Hold her and cuddle her and then tell me what you think of her species’ reputation,” ordered Hux.

“That’s fine, I’m okay with you cuddling her…” said Kylo, edging backwards. He really did not want tentacles in his ears or up his nose.

“What’s this Ren? Afraid of a little baby? You’ll hardly be able to bring down the Resistance like that,” scoffed Hux as Eleanor let out a confused little, ‘Prrp?’

“You hold her, I’ll pet her…” Kylo compromised. He looked over the blue and magenta creature and could not help recalling the last holo he saw with one of the creatures, which involved tentacles in all sorts of uncomfortable places.

“We’re all waiting,” said Hux, bringing the creature back into his lap. The damned thing actually started vibrating in his lap. Vibrating tentacles. If Kylo had not seen how platonically head-over-heels Hux was with Eleanor he would have been seriously questioning the reason the General had given for adopting her. And her tentacles. Her self-lubricating, vibrating, tentacles that she liked to explore crevices with.

He moved closer, taking Millicent’s spot, which the feline did not seem pleased with in the least. He would probably have to placate the cat so it would not tear up his robes or defecate in the ashes of his enemies…though on second thought so long as someone else cleaned up the cat droppings, it was somewhat fitting. He looked down at the little tentacle monster before extending a finger towards it. The creature prodded it with a tendril before wrapping the slim appendage around his finger. It was surprisingly not slimy. It was actually dry, like a snake, and Kylo could feel all the powerful little muscles moving under its skin.

“There, see? She’s not so bad,” said Hux, running a hand over the mass of tentacles.

“It’s still really weird…” said Kylo, retracting his hand.

Eleanor reached out with her tentacles and made a series of insistent ‘prrp’ noises. Hux let out a sniff of laughter, “She seems to have taken a liking to you.”

Kylo had never imagined a tentacle monster getting attached to him. He had imagined one getting very, very attached to Hux and doing…things…to him, but he never imagined one would be friendly in the literal sense. Eleanor soon lost interest in getting Kylo’s finger back though when Hux coaxed Millicent onto the arm of the couch with the feather toy and the two started to play with each other again. Hux grinned, “And she’s a good companion for Millie. I was worried that she would be lonely without another animal for company. They’re practically sisters.”

In no universe could a tentacle monster be a cat’s sister. Hux seemed like he could not be happier though. At least Kylo did not have to worry about Hux getting a tentacle monster to replace him. He sighed and watched Hux, knowing he ought to be more concerned than he was, but with the way Hux smiled, actually genuinely smiled as he played with his pets, he really could not bring himself to. He sighed and put an arm around the General’s shoulder, “You are so weird.”

“I’m weird? You’re the space wizard running around with a plasma sword,” scoffed Hux, “Besides, you see how harmless she is. It’s no different from keeping any other domesticated animal.”

“Yes, but most animals aren’t known for…you know…doing…things,” said Kylo, making a ring with his fingers on one hand and poking at it with the forefinger of his other hand.

“That’s because people don’t know any better,” snapped Hux. He furrowed his brow for a moment, “But if people met her…”

“Hux…?” asked Kylo warningly.

“Ren, meet Eleanor, my therapy animal. She will accompany me during select operations aboard the Finalizer,” said Hux adamantly, “The more people see how docile she is, the more they’ll come to accept her. I’m sure of it.”

Kylo sighed, “Or they’ll think you’re a pervert who’s raising a tentacle monster.”

“They’re called Iko,” corrected Hux. He scowled at Kylo, “I’m doing this. And if you don’t help me I’m going to withhold your coital privileges.”

Kylo groaned, “Fine…”

   ***  

Nothing could have prepared the Finalizer’s crew for Hux’s ‘therapy animal.’ Despite training regarding how to conduct oneself around a superior officer being hardwired into their brains, everyone stared. Hux expected it and knew he could not hold it against them. He had made an announcement that he would have a therapy animal with him during select activities, and he knew Eleanor was going to turn a few heads. This was not like with Millicent since most were used to the sight of a cat. Eleanor’s species had a horrible reputation and due to their exploitation were now famous across the Galaxy for being sentient sex-toys. It was unfortunate, but perhaps with a little effort and some exposure, everyone would come to accept Eleanor as the sweet little creature she was.

The bridge crew were the first to be won over, which Hux had predicted. He, and consequently Eleanor, spent most of their time in the command center, so it was logical that they were the first to become accustomed to the sight and sound of her. She sat perched on Hux’s shoulder for the most part, he could not have her sitting on any consoles in case she tried to mark her territory by secreting all over them, and fed her small, frozen insects once a week. Her species did not eat terribly often, and were actually quite lax when they became older. Their most endearing trait was their intelligence and natural curiosity. They loved to explore and were quick to learn commands and the people they liked.

Hux ran a hand through her tentacles and knew he would miss having his ‘therapy animal’ on the bridge when all this was over. It really was a comfort having her there, especially now that her presence was all-but ignored by everyone else.

‘Prrp?’ said Eleanor, tickling a dripping tendril into his ear canal.

“No, no, we don’t put that there,” Hux scolded quietly, pulling her tendril out gently.

She seemed to understand the word no. Occasionally she would try again a few minutes after Hux had scolded her, either hoping he had forgotten or that he had changed his mind about wanting tentacles in his nose, mouth or ears. He supposed there was nothing worse for a naturally curious creature than being refused the opportunity to explore, but he could not have Eleanor rupturing his eardrum by accident.

“Hungry?” he asked quietly, reaching into his pocket for her weekly meal.

Eleanor let out a series of excited ‘prrp’ noises as she heard Hux reach into a pouch in his pocket. Thank goodness her acid glands had been removed or else Eleanor would have stolen the pouch and melted the cloth to get at her treats. He’d already had to modify the pouch though. Twice. Eleanor had already figured out how to undo buttons and pull at zippers.

He fumbled to get the dried, frozen insects from the pouch. Eleanor was already getting bigger, and stronger, and it was getting harder to hold her back from the pouch. He would have to devote more time to training her. If she got much stronger she would be able to knock him over.

He dropped the pouch and sighed, holding the squirming, excited Iko, “See what you made me do? You need to learn to be patient.”

“G-General Hux…your, um, crickets, sir…”

Hux looked up and saw Mitaka standing with a handful of dead insects. He looked down at them uncertainly, but without disgust. He held them out, and at first Hux thought the lieutenant wanted him to take them back, but he seemed to be holding them up so they were level with Eleanor.

Hux extended his arm, letting Eleanor slither her way down, all of her constricting tentacles wrapping over his arm as she moved quickly to get to the insects that were being offered to her. She stayed on Hux’s arm, picking up the crickets with her suction tentacles. She had three types it seemed. Small slender ones for exploration and marking territory, the suction cup ones for movement, and the ones with small openings that could produce enough suction to snatch up her prey and feed on it. Eleanor quickly snapped up the insects and they disappeared down her tentacles. She extended her slender ones, which were secreting heavily as she wrapped them around Mitaka’s fingers.

‘Prrp?’ she asked, looking from Mitaka to Hux.

“He hasn’t got any more,” said Hux, shaking his head slightly at the silly creature. He looked at Mitaka, “There’s a cleaning cloth in the pouch as well. You’re welcome to use it to wipe away excess fluids, Lieutenant.”

“Yes, sir. Thank you, sir,” said Mitaka, somewhere between grateful and disturbed as Eleanor’s feeding tentacles latched onto the Lieutenant’s fingertips and her marking tendrils dribbled all over his hand. She continued to vibrate, her species’ way of purring as she let out short, curious ‘prrp’ noises.

“Would you hold her for a moment, Lieutenant? You’re free to refuse if you wish,” said Hux.

Mitaka did not seem to know whether to accept or decline the request in spite of Eleanor adoringly wrapping her tentacles around his fingers. Who could refuse after such a loving gesture? It seemed for a moment that the Lieutenant might do just that, but he made no move to retract his hand as Eleanor inched her way onto his hand.

Finally Eleanor slid herself onto Mitaka’s arm and Hux shook his own arm out, a bit tired from holding it out with so much weight attached to it. Eleanor’s growth-rate was going to be a problem if she wanted to keep riding around on his shoulders. Perhaps in a few months Hux would not be able to wander about with her like that. He would have to look into whether it was possible to use some sort of line or leash while walking her.

“General,” called Petty Officer Unamo, “There’s a call from the brig. Your presence is required in interrogations, sir.”

“Must be the new prisoner…” Hux mumbled to himself. He let out a slight whistle and Eleanor bounded back to his shoulder and latched a tentacle across his face to give him what he came to think of as ‘suction-cup-kisses’. Mitaka wiped off his hand before handing the cloth and pouch back to Hux. The General accepted them and walked off the bridge, his movements and poise exuding dignity and pride, “You have the bridge Lieutenant.”

As soon as he left, Thanisson looked out at the other officers before exclaiming, “Is nobody going to address the tentacle monster in the room!?”

 

   ***  

 

Hux made his way to interrogations quickly with Eleanor on his shoulder. She had gotten very good at keeping her balance when he moved, and sometimes hung off of his neck or clung to the back of his head. If nothing else came of this, he was going to have amazing neck and shoulder muscles by the time the crew got used to Eleanor. He ran a hand through her tentacles as she buzzed pleasantly against his shoulders. It was a bit like when Millicent laid on his back and started purring.

“This shouldn’t take long, girl,” said Hux as he brushed passed the security officers. The cell doors were opened for him and he strode into the room, staring down at the Resistance scum strapped to the interrogation chair. He glowered, projecting all the disdain he could muster at the captured pilot, “So you’ve managed to hold out this long, Resistance slime. Let’s see how you-”

“Oh my god I will tell you everything you want to know just keep that away from me!” shrieked the pilot, pressing herself against the back of the chair.

Hux arched his brow and stroked Eleanor, eliciting a soft ‘prrp’ from her as he quizzically let out a soft, “Excuse me?”

“You want base locations!? Weapons schematics!? I’ll tell you anything but for the love of god get that thing out of here!” she screamed.

“You’ll tell us anything?” asked Hux incredulously. Eleanor, shocked by the sudden noise pressed closer to Hux’s face and stopped her contented vibrating.

“Anything! Oh god, oh god, keep it away!” she shouted.

Eleanor stuck a tendril into Hux’s ear and the General sighed, “Now, now, I told you that you can’t stick those where they don’t belong.”

The Resistance pilot let out a wordless scream at the sight of Hux pulling a tentacle out of his ear and standing over her. He arched his brow again before putting up a hand, “Look, that’s enough of that! Are you serious about talking?”

“Yes! Yes! By all that’s holy yes!” shouted the pilot.

“Alright…I’ll send someone to take your statement…you’ve been unusually cooperative…” muttered Hux as he turned to leave the room.

Stepping out of the interrogation room he saw Kylo enter. The knight approached boldly, “Your people called?”

“It’s alright…she’s talking,” said Hux, slightly surprised by his own words.

Kylo looked down at the General through his mask. While the First Order was not the worst when it came to gathering information, it took Force-Nulls significantly more time to extract information from a target. Why waste time and energy trying to get someone to give up information when one could simply reach into someone’s mind and draw it out? However, it seemed, for once, that Hux and his officers had managed to beat him to the punch.

“She’s talking?” repeated Kylo.

“That’s what I said, yes,” confirmed Hux, “She just…suddenly decided to start talking.”

Kylo looked at the little tentacle monster on Hux’s shoulder and quickly put two and two together, “You didn’t happen to have her with you, did you?”

“I did. She didn’t like her much. I think she must have been allergic,” said Hux flippantly. He ran a gloved hand through Eleanor’s tentacles, “There, there girl. All that screaming gave you a fright, didn’t it? It’s all over now. There’s a good girl.”

Kylo furrowed his brow. Interrogations were more or less his area of expertise. After going on missions and training, it was what he tended to keep himself occupied with. And with Hux always busy, Kylo preferred to have something to distract him from all of the sex he was not having. He didn’t want Eleanor taking over not only his boyfriend’s attention, but his job.

“Maybe seeing prisoners isn’t good for her,” said Kylo, trying to keep his jealousy out of his tone.

“She needs exposure to all sorts of sights and sounds. I can’t have her being spooked by loud sounds. What if an emergency siren goes off? She needs to be able to keep calm when there’s noise about,” reasoned Hux, letting Eleanor coil her tentacles over his gloved fingers.

Kylo willed himself not to yell that interrogations were his job and it was bad enough that training Eleanor was taking up most of Hux’s time. He tried to keep his calm as he said, “All I’m saying is that maybe all the shouting and strange people aren’t the best things for her, so maybe you should keep her out of here.”

“I was called on short notice. I couldn’t leave her behind, nobody’s been trained to handle her yet,” protested Hux.

“Let’s just…try not to let this happen again,” said Kylo, barely checking his temper.

“If it happens it happens. I don’t plan to go out of my way to be here while I have other things to do,” said Hux with a slight shrug. He looked up at Kylo with some concern, “You’re getting awfully upset over this.”

“I’m not upset!” snapped Kylo. He paused before repeating more softly, “I’m not upset, just stressed. Maybe I need to get…slightly less stressed…” He whispered, “If you have time…”

“I’m absolutely swamped,” said Hux, who seemed to be completely missing the point, “I have an appointment with communications to record this month’s batch of holos. Then I have to check in with engineering, then I have to stop by sanitation because-”

“I meant…” said Kylo, taking a quick look around to make sure nobody was watching them before reaching up and trailing a hand down Hux’s arm, “I’m a little stressed, and maybe you could help with that…hm?”

“Oh, of course,” said Hux, starting slightly with realization. He reached up and pried Eleanor off his shoulder and held his pet out, “Would you like to pet her? It’s very therapeutic. I’ve been under much less stress since I adopted her.”

“Sex!” hissed Kylo quietly, “I want to have sex with you!”

“Oh, goodness, I suppose it has been a while. I’ll pencil you in for twenty-two and a half hours,” said Hux in such a flat, deadpan way that Kylo couldn’t tell if he was being serious or sarcastic. Kylo had to briefly scan over Hux’s thoughts with the force to figure out if he had meant what he said or if he was having a wry laugh at his expense. The General had such a dry sense of humour it would not have surprised Kylo in the least if Hux turned out to be joking. Thankfully, he seemed serious.

He briefly projected his thoughts at Eleanor, _‘I know he’s your surrogate dad, but I need some time with him too. Stay with Millicent tonight? Please?’_

As Hux breezed out of the room Eleanor looked over his shoulder and called out at him, “Prrp!”

Kylo sincerely hoped that it was an affirmative noise. Millicent had not been nearly so generous when she had first been adopted.

 

   ***  

 

Fortunately Eleanor seemed perfectly happy to curl up with Millicent for a few hours to give Kylo a little time alone with Hux. Unfortunately it was not the last time she happened to accompany the General to interrogations. Hux was so naïve to what was happening it might have been laughable if Kylo had not been living with him and his sex life depended very heavily on not laughing at Hux’s bizarrely selective worldly experience.

It was hard to believe he headed a massive military organization and had a genius level IQ when he could not realize the captured Resistance fighters were terrified that General Hux was going to have his tentacle monster rape them. In addition to Hux holding his ‘coital privileges’ hostage, Kylo found he did not have the heart to correct Hux. It was clear that he genuinely loved his little monster and would have been extremely upset by the idea that it was thought that he was using Eleanor to threaten people. Especially in such a horrible way.

It would take either someone who was completely heartless to tell Hux such a thing, or someone who cared nothing if their words offended anyone. Hux would probably be horrified if someone implied that he was keeping Eleanor as an attack-animal. He was already disturbed enough with the idea that people kept tentacle monsters as glorified sex toys. To have someone callously tell him that prisoners thought he was threatening to have Eleanor do…what Kylo had always assumed tentacle monsters did…he would be devastated.

“Sir,” said Mitaka, “There’s a new prisoner in Interrogations who is awaiting questioning.”

“Oh, you mean General Hux and his new pet haven’t taken over my job yet?” asked Kylo sarcastically.

“Er, well, we’re anticipating the prisoner being difficult. We’ve had him in out custody before…” said Mitaka, opening a file with his datapad and scrolling through the details, “Let’s see…Resistance Fighter. Dameron, Poe. That pilot if I remember correctly.”

Kylo started. Poe? Poe Dameron? The man could not have given less shits if he was suffering from seven different kinds of constipation. And Hux was about to walk into the Interrogation room with a baby tentacle monster.

“I have to stop him!” Kylo shouted, ploughing through Mitaka as he dashed down the hall.

Phasma sighed and picked the Lieutenant back up and dusted him off as he whimpered, “I don’t want to be a communications officer anymore…”

Kylo dashed through the halls, wondering what sort of horrors would be happening in Interrogations that would be awaiting him. Hopefully Hux was not there yet. Hopefully Dameron had not talked yet. Hopefully Hux had decided to leave Eleanor behind in some moment of serendipity.

   ***  

The horrors that were happening in Interrogations unfolded thusly:

Hux entered the holding room with Eleanor on his shoulder, as usual. Poe Dameron was already strapped to the interrogation chair, awaiting whatever perverse tortures the First Order was going to subject him to this time. Eleanor let out a soft ‘prrp’ and latched a tentacle to Hux’s mouth, releasing it with a soft pop and leaving a small circular red mark on the General’s skin.

“Oh, so we’re finally cutting out the middleman, are we?” said Poe bitterly.

Hux arched his brow slightly, imagining Poe was referring to the fact that a General was going to be conducting the interrogation, not some lower ranked underling. Hux approached silently, stoically, staring down the shorter man, “You’ll tell me the location of your Resistance base.”

“Sheesh, not even buying me dinner first? Rude…” grumbled Poe, looking at Eleanor apprehensively.

“You will speak, or you will be convinced to speak,” said Hux evenly.

“So you’re through with Kylo mind-raping me and now you’re just going to get right down to it and actually-” rambled Poe angrily.

Hux stopped in his tracks, “What!?”

“Go ahead, unleash the tentacle monster! I’m not going to talk! Do whatever you want, these lips are sealed!” declared Poe.

Hux’s jaw dropped, “Excuse me!?”

“You brought a god damned tentacle monster to an interrogation! I can put two and two together! Do your worst, Hux!” said Poe defiantly.

“No!” shouted Hux. He pulled the Iko off his shoulder and hugged her tight, “It isn’t like that at all! Her name is Eleanor and she’s my therapy animal!”

Poe’s jaw dropped and his brow shot straight up. He looked at the tentacle monster, then at Hux, then back to the monster before settling on Hux again and letting out a shocked, horrified, “Dude…”

“Not _that_ kind of therapy!” exclaimed Hux, now even more scandalized.

“No, no, see, it works on two levels. Because therapist animal can also spell the-rapist-animal,” said Poe as Hux took a step back and looked like he might actually start crying. Poe grinned, “It’s a double meaning. A humorous play on words…that’s where the comedy comes in.”

“How could you possibly insinuate that Eleanor is a…some…sex-torture-instrument!” exclaimed Hux.

Poe arched his brow, “That thing has vibrating, self-lubricating tentacles that it uses to explore holes and crevices…I mean…duh?”

“Those are all traits this species has developed through centuries of adaptation and natural selection so she can survive in her natural habitat!” snapped Hux. He recovered his strict demeanor and for a moment seemed to be more of a disappointed schoolmaster, “You’re a pervert.”

“Look, you brought a tentacle monster into a torture chamber, I don’t know what else I was supposed to think in this situation,” said Poe.

“Why? Because the pornographic-holo industry duped you into thinking that that’s how these poor things actually act in the wild?” demanded Hux. He cuddled Eleanor close, “They don’t. Wild ones won’t even come close to humans if they can help it. People catch them and mistreat them until they comply.”

Poe was flabbergasted. Was General Hux having… _an emotion_? General Hux was expressing concern for the wellbeing of another creature? Of another species!? He stared, wondering what strange parallel universe he had accidentally stumbled into as Hux stroked the vibrating mass of tentacles in his arms. Hux stared back at Poe, looking strangely hurt and offended as he cuddled his weird little animal.

“Oh no, you are not going to make me feel bad. You know what I am? A prisoner of war. You know what I’m about to be? Tortured!” said Poe irately, “I’m not going to be guilt-tripped for thinking you were about to attack me with a tentacle monster!”

“She’s a _baby_!” snapped Hux, clutching Eleanor and pulling back even further, “Why did you think I was going to…with a _baby_!?”

“She won’t be a baby forever…and you know, you do have a history of programing things from birth to do heinous things…” muttered Poe, “Besides, that thing is going to grow up and it’s going to have urges…”

“I’m having her neutered!” protested Hux.

Poe’s brow arched for what felt like the hundredth time that day, “You can neuter them?”

“Yes! It was _always_ an option!” exclaimed the General.

Kylo then burst into the room and saw Poe Dameron looking confused, and his General boyfriend looking horrified and very, very upset as he cuddled a tentacle monster. He glared at Poe, “What did you say to him?”

“Him!? I’m the one strapped to the chair about to be tortured!” protested Poe.

“Say you’re sorry,” demanded Kylo, coming closer.

“Oh stop it. He’s Resistance scum. I ought to have expected him to be crass,” said Hux, coming closer again. Eleanor latched her tentacle to his face and ‘prrp’ed with concern, sensing Hux’s distress. The General continued, “I don’t need an apology from the likes of him.”

“You’re sure?” asked Kylo.

“Yes, quite certain,” said Hux.

Poe could not believe what he was hearing. Somehow he had stumbled into an alternate dimension where Kylo Ren and General Hux were _domestic_ and had adopted a tentacle monster. He was not sure if they were sleeping together, but he was pretty sure the two of them had something going on between them.

“Has he talked?” asked Kylo.

“Oh, he said plenty, none of it worth repeating,” said Hux wryly. Eleanor made a soft noise and tried to slide a tendril up his nose. Hux gently pulled it away muttering a soft, “No, no, we don’t do that. There’s a good girl.”

Suddenly Poe came to a realization. Kylo was going to look after Hux, Hux was going to look after Eleanor, so if he could warm up to the tentacle monster than maybe…just maybe…

“She’s uh…sort of…cute…when she does that,” said Poe cautiously.

“She’s not supposed to do it. You’re being a bad girl today aren’t you?” Hux asked the little monster in his arms.

Swallowing most of his pride Poe said, “Yeah, I was wrong about her, she’s really, really cute. I didn’t know they could be pets.”

“They ought to be left in the wild, but her acid glands were removed, so I could exactly release her,” explained Hux.

That gave Poe some pause, “You uh…really like animals, don’t you?”

“I prefer them to humans, yes,” admitted Hux, running a hand through Eleanor’s tentacles.

“H-Hey…” protested Kylo.

“Most humans,” Hux amended with a sigh.

Poe furrowed his brow. Definitely domestic. Might as well have announced they were sleeping together. He was ninety-five percent certain that Hux topped. He forced himself not to think about the strange revelation as he looked at the tentacle monster. It looked slimy, but mostly harmless. It would be pretty awful if it probed too deep in his ear or up his nose, but if this worked than the payoff would outweigh the discomfort.

“Can I…maybe…pet her? She seems really nice,” said Poe, trying to seem earnest.

“That depends…” said Hux menacingly. He approached, glaring down at Poe with his frigid eyes. He stopped, a mere foot away from Poe, exuding an aura of control and ferocity that even a Force-Null could pick up on. Then he looked down at his pet and started cooing, “Do you want to be petted by the Resistance scum? Do you? What are you going to do ‘Lenore?”

The monster made excited noises before wrapping her tentacles around Hux lovingly and vibrating like…something Poe didn’t think he could mention in polite company. She got so excited, hearing Hux talk to her so happily that she started wrapping her tentacles around everything. Poe willed himself not to give a disgusted shout when he felt a powerful tentacle latch itself around his arm and squeeze. Once she had a hold of his hand, the monster looked over, curious, before wrapping her smaller tentacles around his hand and fingers and dribbling all over him. It might have been tolerable, if gross, if not for all the vibrating.

She slithered up his arms to his face and Poe thought for certain that the monster was going to shove something in his mouth or nose, but she seemed more curious about his hair. She wrapped her smaller tentacles in it and tugged experimentally, looping her tendrils in his curls as if…almost as if…

Hux gave a sigh, “No silly, that’s hair, not another Iko.”

Eleanor did not understand and continued to make soft ‘prrp’ noises as she sifted through his hair. A sensation which was, admittedly, quite pleasant. She tried to lock her tendrils with his hair and nuzzled against him. Aside from the tentacles that dripped, she was actually quite dry. She was actually sort of nice to have on his shoulder. Like a giant back massager that loved to cuddle and purr.

Hux whistled and the monster practically leapt onto his arm and up his shoulder. She hugged his face with her large tentacles, releasing them with a pop and leaving large red rings all over Hux. Poe murmured, “She’s…actually really sweet. Maybe she likes me?”

“Possibly,” said Hux.

“I’d like to be friends with her…” said Poe, hoping Hux had just enough humanity in him that he might possibly-

“Oh, no chance of that I’m afraid. Ren, see to it that he gives us the location of the secondary base,” said Hux as he moved sharply towards the door, “Say goodbye to the Resistance slime, Eleanor.”

The monster called out with a loud ‘Prrp!’ as Hux must have petted a spot she really liked, her happy little cry cut off by the slam of a pair of blast doors. So much for that plan…

“So…you and Hux, huh?” noted Poe, “Exactly how long has that…?”

“We just had our six month anniversary. We’re very happy,” said Kylo, stretching out his hand towards Poe’s temple.

Poe sighed as he once again felt the Force slowly begin to pry at his mind, “Oooooof course you are.”

   ***  

Hux decided it was high time he did what he really ought to have done in the beginning. If a bunch of misguided, awful holos had started this whole debacle in the first place, than perhaps a holo could begin to remedy some of the wrongs that had originated from them. He was very tired of people thinking terrible things about Eleanor, and if they were not going to see that the rumours going around were nothing but lies, he would just have to hammer the truth in as clearly as he possibly could. Normally he would also use some sort of blunt instrument to help in the act of hammering the point, but hitting that many people by himself was incredibly impractical.

He sat on the set, surrounded by props that suggested that he was in some well-read man’s study. There were shelves crammed with fake books behind him and a side-table with a lamp and a glass of juice and ice which was supposed to resemble brandy. He waited in a large arm-chair for the camera to start rolling, his costume consisting of a large, garnet bathrobe over his uniform and a pipe in his hand. Eleanor thankfully wasn’t camera-shy and was more than happy to sit in his lap and ‘prrp.’

Once they had started rolling, Hux closed a fake book and began his monologue, “Ah, good evening, I didn’t see you there. I’m General Hux of the First Order, and I’d like a moment of your time to discuss heinous rumours surrounding so-called ‘tentacle monsters.’

“This is not a monster,” said Hux, emphatically running his hands thorugh Eleanor’s tentacles, “This is a Dwarf Iko. Every feature of its anatomy that has been fetishized has been specially adapted so they can survive in their natural environment. Humans, however, continue to exploit these features and mistreat them in order to force them into compliance. In the wild, they have no interest in humans. They are not going to melt clothing with acid for their own pleasure, it’s a defensive mechanism to ward of predators. They are not going to force aphrodisiacs down your throat, it’s a special secretion to attract their prey. They aren’t going to force their tendrils into various orifices, they don’t like humans, they are going to avoid you at all costs.

“This is a sweet, gentle creature that has been misjudged for decades and had her species subjected to terrible abuse for the sick, twisted amusement of the worst kinds of people. This is exactly the sort of perversion that must be stamped out if we want any hope of bringing a just order to the Galaxy.”

Hux settled himself back and continued to pet Eleanor, “Now I hope we’ve all learned a valuable lesson in not judging others by unfair rumours and misinformation-”

Suddenly, Mitaka burst onto the set. He stammered, clearly nervous and excited as he bounded up to Hux’s armchair, hastily blurting out, “S-sir! We’ve located the Resistance’s secondary base!”

No longer caring if the take was ruined or not, Hux leapt up, cradling Eleanor in his arms as he exclaimed, “NUKE IT FROM ORBIT!”

   ***  

“Poe, when did you get back?” asked Jessika, cocking her head to the side, “Not that I’m not happy to see you. Last I heard you got captured by the First Order…again.”

“I got better,” said Poe dismissively, “And oh man, do I have some serious shit to tell you guys.”

“You managed to escape while not giving away anything about our operations?” asked Snapp, impressed by yet another daring escape on the part of their top pilot.

“Oh, no, they brought in Kylo Ren and I sang like a canary,” amended Poe, “But, seriously, help me get the brass together. I found out some stuff they may want to know.”

Within a few minutes the Resistance command had been assembled. Many were simply relieved that Poe had returned, but some were more concerned about this sensitive information that he claimed to bring with him. General Organa was impressed that Poe had miraculously pulled off yet another escape from behind enemy lines, but it was not every day one of their top pilots came back claiming to have vital information.

Poe leaned over the conference table, “Alright, so you know how we’ve gotten intelligence that General Hux has been threatening our captured spies and pilots with a tentacle monster?”

“It was…odd, but yes, I remember,” replied Leia.

“Well, apparently we don’t have to worry about that. Turns out, it’s just his therapy animal,” explained Poe.

The Resistance commanders exchanged worried, sickened looks before turning back to Poe and letting out a simultaneous, incredulous, “…dude.”

“No, no, see, I thought that too, especially because having a tentacle monster therapy animal leads to a lot of great puns, but apparently it’s just his pet,” said Poe. He leaned in close and said in a much lower voice, “And he really hates it when people imply that he lets it bang him, so unless you want him to sic Kylo Ren on you, don’t do it.”

“Well, I suppose that will be good intel for anyone who gets captured,” said Leia, trying to find something positive in this ludicrous speech. She was hoping that Poe had retrieved plans for a super weapon, or perhaps discovered something they could use against their enemies. However, knowing that captured members of the Resistance were not going to be tortured by a tentacle monster was going to be a comfort to some.

“’Cause it turns out that General Hux has Kylo Ren on a shorter leash than we thought,” said Poe as he braced himself, making eye contact with each of the Resistance leaders before solemnly announcing, “They’re banging. They had their six month anniversary and they’re sickeningly sweet with each other. I’m ninety-five percent sure that Hux tops.”

General Organa turned as white as a sheet and excused herself. The rest of the command shot Poe a concerned look before shifting uncomfortably, nobody wanting to address or ask questions about this new revelation. Poe looked around, wondering at all the disapproving looks he was getting, “What? I heard it straight from Ren himself before he went all Darth Vader on my brain! We could totally use this against them. I mean, the First Order literally in bed with the Sith? That’s pretty juicy intel.”

“If we ran a gossip column…” someone muttered.

“Well I think it’s great,” said Poe before he quickly corrected himself, “Not that them being domestic and happy is great, I mean us knowing about them is great. The propaganda pretty much writes itself!”

“Not than we aren’t happy to have you back or that this news doesn’t have its uses, but this is…a lot to take in,” said Jessika, trying to let Poe down gently, “Come on, let’s go see if BB-8 needs any maintenance. He always gets nervous and finicky when you’re in trouble.”

“But- but General Hux has a tentacle monster named Eleanor and he’s totally banging Kylo Ren!” exclaimed Poe, blissfully unaware of how insane he sounded as Jessika dragged him out of the room.

   ***  

Poe sighed as he and BB-8 wandered aimlessly through the base. After doing some maintenance on the droid, the process of which was incredibly relaxing, had some decent food and a power nap he felt better, but still could not shake what he had seen and heard. Having his mind sifted through by the Force was bad enough, but after seeing General Hux and Kylo Ren being bizarrely…caring, towards each other and Hux being protective of a pet was more or less shattering all of his notions about the enemy. He knew they were people, bad people who did bad things, but he never expected those same bad people could make decent points or care for other creatures.

He stepped into the communal lounge and found nobody there, surprisingly. It was usually where he tended to find everyone between missions. Here or the cantina. The room felt strange when it was empty, but not unpleasantly so. It was just different. BB-8 whirred up to his usual spot by one of the old, musty couches. General Organa had tried to coax them into throwing it out by promising them they could have a new one, but everyone loved the old one. There was also the matter of a slight modification that had been made.

The couch was where they hid the communal porn stash.

It started out as few T&A magazines that someone had hidden between the couch cushions. The magazines and prints would come and go, with the couch operating as a bizarre porn library where people could take something new or leave things they no longer wanted that someone else might enjoy. Soon it branched out beyond magazines into erotic novels, usually geared towards women, but Poe had seen a couple of guys leafing through them discreetly. By that point someone had installed secret compartments in the couch with little shelves to organize everything instead of jamming things between or under cushions. It had only been a matter of time before they started swapping holos as well.

Poe moved around to the back of the couch and opened up the compartment. He sighed and took out a couple of holos before closing the cupboard again. He vaulted the couch to lay down on his back and patted BB-8 on the head, careful not to damage the little droid’s antenna as he looked over the back of the vid-case.

A few people on the base were into tentacle monsters. Poe was not going to judge. Everyone had their kinks after all, but what Hux said bothered him a bit. He looked over the holos in question, examining them for the usual seal of approval that he saw in regular holos that indicated the animals involved in the production were supervised and none of them were harmed in the making of the vid in question. He didn’t find one. He examined the covers, one was a girl in a slave outfit being grabbed by a mass of tentacles, and the other was a man in a uniform, clearly meant to resemble a First Order officer with a tentacle shoved in his mouth.

Poe recalled Eleanor. She had been strangely sweet, and not at all interested in doing any of the things from the holos. She seemed to like sticking her tentacles in Hux’s ears and nose or sealing her suction cups over his face, but it was nothing aggressive or even suggestive when Poe thought about it. She was just an animal doing whatever it was in her nature to do.

There was a knock at the door and BB-8 let out an excited whistle, rolling over to the newcomer. General Organa walked in and Poe immediately hid the holos behind his back. She looked down at BB-8 and smiled, “Keeping him company, hm?”

BB-8 beeped an affirmative response before rolling back to Poe. Leia looked him over before asking, “Holding up alright? It can’t be easy being subjected to...Kylo Ren, doing those things.”

“It’s not, I’m not going to lie, but…” Poe began, looking up at Leia, “General, have you ever…have you ever agreed with the enemy.”

“Of course, lots of times,” said Leia.

Poe started. That had not been the answer he had been bracing himself for. He was prepared to be told he was going to have to take some time off until he stopped sympathizing with the enemy. Leia shrugged before taking a seat on the arm of the couch, “For example, the Empire made education accessible for nearly everyone. It was partly for brainwashing, but there seemed to be Imperials who were genuinely interested in providing education for everyone. The First Order has a strict anti-gender discrimination policy, I certainly agree with that. You just have to remember that even if they have some good ideas, the way they go about trying to put them into practice is wrong.”

Poe sighed, “It’s kind of too bad…if they weren’t so bent on subjugation and absolute control things might be different.”

Leia patted his shin reassuringly, “It’s hard, but we shouldn’t think too hard about what we can’t change. So, what did General Hux say that got you laid up like this?”

Poe grinned slightly, “He likes animals. It seems like he really cares about them and he’s trying to educate people on how they’re mistreated. I wasn’t really expecting that.”

“And you’re absolutely sure that he and Kylo Ren are…” Leia pressed.

“Ren told me point blank they’ve been together for half a year and seemed perfectly happy to let Hux boss him around,” said Poe with a shrug, “It’s just…I was sure Hux was a monster and now I know he’s got this big, admittedly weird soft spot. I don’t like him, I don’t think I’ll ever like him but knowing about him makes me not like him less? Does that make any sense?”

“No, it makes sense,” sighed Leia, “It’s hard when you find out your enemies are people.”

“Tell me about it…” groaned Poe, continuing to have his mental crisis.

“General Hux is young though,” said Leia, “He’s young enough that he might not be completely set in his ways, and there’s more than enough time for him to have a change of heart. At worst he might be evil, but at best he might just be a kid who was misguided from birth and is actually a-”

A lieutenant burst through the door and stammered, “G-General Organa! The First Order just nuked our secondary base of operations from orbit!”

“NO GOOD BASTARD SON OF A BITCH!” yelled Leia, jumping to her feet and stomping angrily towards the door, “I’ll see he’s locked up for the next thousand years! I don’t care if he’s fucking my son!”

Poe bolted up, “Wh-what!?”

Leia turned and snapped her fingers at him sharply, “Walk away, Dameron!”

As General Organa’s angry mumbling and heavy footfalls disappeared down the hall, Poe turned towards BB-8. He patted the droid again, clutching the tentacle monster porno-vids to his chest as he continued to have his existential crisis. His brain broke as he muttered, “Life was simpler before General Hux got a tentacle monster…”


End file.
